


shot through the heart (and you're to blame)

by xylomylo



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: Alternate Canon, F/F, Light Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-02
Updated: 2018-08-02
Packaged: 2019-06-20 15:14:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15537036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xylomylo/pseuds/xylomylo
Summary: the umbrella gives enough cover for mina to really look at nayeon, and for the first time in a long while, mina feels the blood rush to her ears. because nayeon is, and has always been beautiful, but never like this - in the first snow, under an umbrella, smiling all cotton and velvet only for mina.





	shot through the heart (and you're to blame)

**Author's Note:**

> nayeon unnie who kissed me on the lips??? and made me blush. nayeon unnie who kissed me on the lips!!! and made me blush. nayeon unnie who wHATT

 

"first impression?" nayeon laughs. throws back another shot, before leaning back against jihyo. "scary. i mean, you had long black hair and i could only see one of your eyes!" 

 

mina rolls her eyes. smacks nayeon's shoulder, because it was the truth. sana calls it her 'emo' phase, and mina just wants to erase history. she blames it on the stressful trainee days. the rest of the girls laugh, and mina does too, because stories about the past are always... strangely enlightening. and hilarious.

 

then nayeon's hand catches hers, and she smiles just enough to make mina lose track of the conversation, until sana pinches her thigh hard enough for her to yelp in pain. 

 

"pay attention, minari," sana raises an eyebrow knowingly, and mina tries her best not to blush. "nayeon's asking for our first impression of her. it's your turn."

 

everyone's looking at her expectantly, nayeon included, and mina doesn't know if she's tipsy enough to tell the truth. the clock is ticking. it's a secret she's promised herself to bring to her own grave, but nayeon's hand is still on hers and it burns and the heat is messing with her head -

 

"i can't really remember," mina ends up saying. laughs sheepishly, because she was never good at lying. "but you really looked like a typical korean unnie. like in those dramas." 

 

then mina knows she's said the right thing, because nayeon's face explodes into the same smile mina's already seen a thousand times. nayeon laughs, loud and boisterous. it's contagious, and soon all of them are cracking up - and maybe, just maybe, mina thinks she'll be fine, you know. her chest feels a little warmer. maybe she'll stop wearing her heart on her damn sleeve, and get better at lying, and stop being such an open book. it's how sana found out after all.

 

the first time mina met nayeon? an out of body experience. of course she remembers: has it seared into the confines of her memory, and plays it on loop whenever she has a little too much to drink. like now, when jihyo pours all of them another shot. the conversation moves on and mina zones out, because it's getting late and the alcohol is finally doing its job. 

 

it's embarrassing, really. thank god what nayeon thinks was their first meeting was actually their second, and mina has every intention to let things remain as they are. she was on the way to vocal class, she thinks. the details are fuzzy, but the scene is crystal clear - mina remembers the moment she felt someone bump into her right shoulder. it hurt, and she'd yelled in pain, like any other person would, ready to stare daggers at the offending person - until they had looked up.

 

the memory plays in slow motion, because mina is a drama queen. a crying trainee was always a common sight around the company, and mina remembers being rooted to the ground - there are tears streaming down nayeon's face, diamond studded pearls trailing a path towards a spilled treasure mina would no doubt sell a kidney for. that, together with the irrational want to see the other girl again has mina distracted for the whole day - until three days later, when she meets nayeon for the first time. officially. and also finds out that nayeon smiles like a baby. which makes mina smile a little wider. unconsciously. 

 

until sana forced it out of her, of course. got her to admit that yes, she may or may not have a crush on im nayeon that isn't going away anytime soon, because the heart will always want what the heart wants, and there's really nothing mina can do about it. 

 

 

 

/

 

 

 

it's a small showcase. a small auditorium, right at the corner of cheongdamdong, but a full house nevertheless - mina thinks her legs haven't stopped shaking since her performance. the feeling of being on stage, body moving to the beat just like they practiced - it's unreal. it's everything she's ever dreamed of, and makes her a step closer to debut. like taking a bite of the forbidden fruit, and met with a thousand possibilities. a prelude of the actual thing. because performing is a high mina knows she wants to experience again with momo and sana, who still have both her hands in a death grip since the curtain call. 

 

this is it. the exact moment she realised it was worth it. packing her bags and moving to a whole other country to chase her dream. all the hesitation, doubt, fear - all of it washed away by her love for the stage. maybe she won't stop smiling.

 

sana pulls her into a hug. momo, too, and mina shares their happiness. digs her fingers into their waists to remind herself that this is happening. it was a success, given their dance instructor's standing ovation. they squeal, because he's never shown such approval for any of them, and everything right now is just a little too good to be true. 

 

someone calls for a group photo. they huddle in the middle of the stage, and that's when mina sees nayeon for the first time that night. her long hair is curled into loose waves, eyes shining with the same happiness mina thinks is visible in her very own eyes. it's euphoric. nayeon smiles, and mina's breath hitches.

 

she drops sana's and momo's hand, after the photo. says something about wanting to get a photo with as many people as she can. she's leaving for japan the first thing in the morning, to settle administrative matters about her passport and won't be back until two weeks later so she'll definitely miss everyone. her legs move of their own accord, and before she knows it she's already one feet away from im nayeon, who's now holding a bunch of flowers, talking to trainees mina doesn't recognise. 

 

she takes a deep breath. runs the question in her head a couple of times to make sure she gets the pronunciation right before taking a leap of faith, and taps nayeon on the shoulder. 

 

"unnie, do you want to take a photo together?" 

 

nayeon turns around and smiles, and mina tries to keep the fangirling to a minimum because she doesn't think she'll ever forget the way nayeon's hair falls perfectly over her shoulder. just like that hair commercial. this is the closest she's ever been to nayeon, and to see her gummy smile up close? mina reminds herself to breathe. it's so stupid how she's practically worshipping this really pretty trainee who probably has no idea who she is -

 

"you're mina, right? it's nice to meet you." nayeon bows just a little, and mina almost drops her phone. because  _senpai knows me?_ and maybe her brain short circuits a little, before she tries to calm her erratic heart and opens the camera app but her hand won't stop  _shaking -_

"here, i'll do it." nayeon giggles, slender fingers covering her own and mina just wants to die right there and then, because how useless was she if she couldn't even take a selfie with nayeon? 

 

then nayeon wraps an arm around her waist and tilts the phone just so their jawlines are showing, and mina gets it together in time to smile. it's over before she knows it. her hands are still shaking from the adrenaline, and nayeon's whisked away by her other trainee friends, the ever popular girl everyone wants to befriend, and mina can only wave goodbye. 

 

meeting nayeon is life-changing. mina thanks all her lucky stars in the world she didn't chicken out. 

 

("you changed your wallpaper?" sana frowns, holding up mina's phone. "whatever happened to cnblue?" then narrows her eyes at the two girls in the photo, because they look suspiciously familiar -

 

"you took a photo with  _nayeon_  and didn't tell me?" she screeches. mina slaps a hand over sana's mouth, because they were in the subway, for god's sake. then lunges for her phone, and of course sana doesn't yield - it's a typical monday.)

 

 

 

/

 

 

 

"w-we're roommates?" mina squeaks. in her freaking out voice. which is also a normal person's indoor volume, so nayeon doesn't particularly flinch.

 

they're checking out the new dorm, bubbling over with excitement at finally getting their chance to debut (and also moving out of the shithole that was the trainee dorm) and making a list of things they need. after the disaster that was sixteen, mina thinks there couldn't possibly be anything worse - but here she is. roommates. with im nayeon, unattainable girl of her dreams. 

 

nayeon beams. "yeah. with sana and jihyo, too. they're buddies, and i'm your buddy." she tangles their fingers together, and mina reminds herself to relax, because nayeon just likes holding hands. with everyone. because she's friendly, and mina isn't going to read too much into it -

 

"i'm happy you made it, mina." the older girl continues, a little softer. "i'm happy we made it." the edges of her mouth tilt downwards, and mina squeezes nayeon's hand. strength, courage - whatever it was that nayeon was looking for, she hoped she'd gave it. it takes time, you know. getting over such a traumatic experience. fighting for survival. competing for a chance at living out a dream. competing with people you trained with, in the same fucking room. people you grew up with. people you know deserve better. people you'd known for years, in nayeon's perspective. whatever mina was feeling, nayeon had it way worse, and mina knows she isn't in any position to complain. 

 

so she squares her shoulders. pulls nayeon into a hug, because she was never good with words. 

 

"i'm happy too, unnie."

 

 

 

/

 

 

 

the car is silent, save for sana's occasional snort. momo's passed out as usual, and it's just the three of them, heading back to the dorm from the airport. mina's trying to solve this sudoku from a book her mother gave her as a farewell gift, and sana's snorting is not helping. at all.

 

"what exactly are you reading?" she snaps. more at her book than sana, when she'd realised she had two nines in the same damn box. fuck.

 

sana looks at her. then crumples into laughter, right in her face, and mina thinks about how easy it would be to whack sana in the face. with the sudoku book. 

 

"i never pegged you for a romantic, minari." the other girl wheezes. then clears her throat, before reading off her phone. "when nayeon-unnie rolls over from her bed to mine, it feels good." 

 

mina exhales slowly. mistakes were made. purses her lips at sana's waggling eyebrows, and resigns herself to the endless teasing. she wasn't sure what in the world possessed her to say that in the interview. because she clearly wasn't thinking, and probably got too comfortable in that stupid chair -

 

"your gay is showing," sana tuts. "i can't believe that made the final cut, though. they're really interested in our dorm life, huh." she scrolls further. 

 

it's been almost a year. mina's hopeless heart is still beating for a girl who will probably never reciprocate. and it doesn't help when she's literally an arm's length away even when they sleep. her happiness, dangling right in front of her, every single day - maybe she's getting used to it. 

 

"it doesn't matter," mina says. "talking about it helps, i guess. i'm getting used to it, don't worry." grabs a chocolate bar from their stash in the van, because life still sucks. "i'm getting there." 

 

the car falls silent. sana's watching her with an unreadable expression, and mina's not used to seeing sana like this. guarded. a little wistful. it's like she's hiding something. unusually tight-lipped, and mina knows that it's probably something she doesn't want to know. sana's entitled to her own secrets anyway.

 

then momo's phone rings, and the girl jerks awake - knocking over her juice into sana's lap. sana screams, and mina sighs.

 

 

 

/

 

 

 

silence is a good friend of mina's. always has been, because she isn't exactly a loud person and sometimes she just can't be bothered to talk. the silence is something she's familiar with. especially the ones at night, when nayeon's all pressed up against her, fast asleep with her mouth hanging open. 

 

it's so easy to lose track of time, when all mina can do is stare at nayeon. breathes in the silence offered by the moon, and spends minutes and hours learning every freckle, every crease, every mole - each holding a different story mina wants to know about. some she already knows and some she might never, but that's life: you get some, and then you don't. 

 

mina learns that the heart is feeble. and also maybe just plain stupid, because one day it decides to beat a little faster when nayeon finds her in the corner of the practice room, right after mina had given in to the pressure and the disappointment hanging heavy on her shoulders. she'd knew that the life of a trainee wasn't going to be easy, but when subjected to the harsh words of instructors - mina was always weak. 

 

it's straight out of a fairytale. prince charming who appears out of nowhere, scoops her in a hug, and tells her it's going to be okay. kisses her forehead. rubs her back just enough to stop the waterworks. just that nayeon's not a prince, doesn't have a white horse, and mina's sure that nayeon's body is way softer than any prince. so she clings onto the older girl for dear life, because nayeon is convincing and nayeon is real, and mina believes. 

 

everyone writes about how unrequited love sucks. how badly it hurts, because feelings can't be forced and ultimately it's a dead end. giving and giving but never receiving. how it's exhausting, and detrimental. but mina wants to tell people that it isn't. not all the time, because people forget that it's still love. it still has the capacity to make people happy, and give people strength because it's love. love is relentless, and powerful.

like how being near nayeon makes her feel better. locking eyes with nayeon? fantastic. her heart goes a little wonky and her breaths get shorter, but the smile on her face becomes a little more genuine, and she dances with a little more vigour. smiling at nayeon? even better - sometimes she forgets her name. sometimes it gives her a high for the entire day. makes her blood sing a melody that puts sirens to shame. 

this, mina thinks, is where it all begins. 

 

 

 

/

 

 

 

getting an off day in the middle of crazy promotions is like finding an oasis in the middle of the desert. it's that dramatic. and rare. mina finds that she can't be bothered to get out of bed, and spends the day watching the latest dramas. 

 

some of them stay in to catch up on sleep. the others go out. the thing about being in a big group is that you don't really keep track of each other. there's too many people to keep track of, and it doesn't make mina love them any less. but of course she overhears jihyo and nayeon making plans to go out, because neither of them really understood the concept of using their indoor voice.

 

it's not that she's jealous, really. they've known each other for almost a decade now, and mina understands. childhood friends, growing up together, all the inside jokes - it's a given that they're close. but the green-eyed monster poking at her insides always makes her frown just so, when she sees them sharing a knowing look over the dinner table. or during group activities. it's stupid, and mina hates how she's always at the mercy of her emotions. 

 

sometimes mina wonders what it would be like if she were korean. no language barriers, no culture shock, but the same amount of hard work. maybe she wouldn't feel so much like an outsider. always watching, never included. no need to  watch for social cues, and constantly be on edge. being quiet has its advantages - like how mina listens a lot more. observes silently. pays extra attention to her surroundings, and notices things she doesn't think most people do. like how some members are always together during certain milestones. like award shows.

 

it's normal to have people you're closer to in big groups. people that you'll always gravitate to at the end of the day. because they're the ones you are most comfortable with, and have been through so much shit together. like nayeon, jeongyeon and jihyo. that's a trinity no one messes with, because their loyalty is unwavering, and their teamwork fluid. they've seen each other at their worst, and seen each other grow, and will always have each other's backs.

 

then there's momo and sana, whom she's forever grateful to, because they were the ones who took her under their wing after her first day at jyp. babied her, and made her feel welcome in a foreign country they were all struggling in. but they have each other, momo and sana, and it took mina an entire year to realise that they are possibly soulmates, and she hates how she always feels like she's intruding. so when sana and momo are doing their thing, she learns to find another - chou tzuyu. 

 

it's no one's fault that they have small voices, really. but in a room full of seven other louder voices it gets exhausting, and it works out somehow because they've learnt to hear each other when the others can't. sometimes mina'll crack a joke and no one hears it, but tzuyu giggles softly at her side and mina laughs. because they have each other, tzuyu and herself. maybe one day she'll stop being an outsider, and she'll find someone. someone to ease the lonely ache in the depths of her soul. the momo to her sana. 

 

so when nayeon comes back at the end of the day, mina doesn't think she can do anything else other than welcome her back with open arms. this is what she has, and god damn her if she doesn't cling onto this silver lining hanging by a thread.

 

 

 

/

 

 

 

it happens when mina least expects it to. or that's what she tells herself, because it's been there all along and maybe she just doesn't want to acknowledge it.

 

the front door slams. there's a crash, then a lot of rustling and a loud curse. mina's awake because she's always been a light sleeper. it isn't anything new, the members coming back late at night, so she thinks nothing of it. but the commotion is getting louder and louder and her intestines are probably starting to knot in worry. her brain kindly reminds her that it might be nayeon and jihyo who have yet to return (not that she was keeping track, you know), and it's enough to get her sitting up.

 

sana is sprawled out on her bed, dead asleep. the other girl was at the company with momo brushing up on some choreography, and mina remembers watching her making a beeline for her bed and passing out instantly. her brow furrows as she looks at nayeon and jihyo's empty beds - they have a live broadcast in the early morning, and it's unlike the two girls to still be out at this hour of the night. well, it's more of a nayeon thing, but go figure.

 

there's a louder crash this time, coming from the basement, and mina makes up her mind. throws off her blanket, and pads out to the living room. she hears a muffled thump, then a yell that sounds suspiciously like nayeon, and hurries down the stairs. two steps at a time - 

 

" - it hurts," nayeon wails, messy haired and crying, just like all those years ago. mina freezes - it's the same tears. the ones that hold the answers to mina's late night thoughts, and squeezes the breath out of her lungs. because nayeon in tears always reduces her heartstrings into a tangled mess, pulling at them with abandon and leaves her an empty shell of nothing. 

 

it's unlike the two of them to be so...irresponsible. late night drinking right before an early morning schedule? jihyo would never allow that. but mina is proven wrong, because jihyo's there. sometimes you think you know a person, and then suddenly it's like you don't know them at all. or maybe she never did. the green-eyed monster digs a little deeper.

 

mina doesn't dare to breathe. watches quietly as jihyo pulls nayeon into the softest of hugs, and strokes her hair. it's a huge contrast to their usual squabbles. the alcohol is reeking off them, but mina knows jihyo's still stone cold sober because the other girl starts humming. softly, so that she doesn't wake the others, but mina hears it loud and clear, and this is when she realises she's  _intruding_.

 

it's no surprise that nayeon and jihyo are close. together with jeongyeon, since they've trained the longest in the company and have known each other for more than half of their lives. ride or die, nayeon once said, and jihyo had laughed it off as something stupid. but right here, now - nayeon's iron grip on jihyo tells mina that she wasn't joking, and the way nayeon quiets down after jihyo's lullaby tells mina that this is something she'll never have with either of them. that she'll never understand nayeon the way jihyo does, because to put it simply - she wasn't there. the green-eyed monster feeds.

her vision blurs. there is molten white pain exploding in her chest that corrodes her ribcage. the air in the room gets a little stuffier, and mina digs her nails into her thigh. turns around because it's getting a little too intimate to watch, and every second after is another bullet shot through her heart. each step away from the basement gets heavier, because it's a painful reminder of the ice cold reality that is always unforgiving. it's the universe reminding her not to overstep her boundaries. she has sana and momo for that exact same reason, but it's not enough, and mina  _hates_ how it's not enough. how the stupid thing in her ribcage won't stop crying out for something she'll never have. 

she makes it back to bed. crawls under the covers, and for the first time ever, wishes that she hadn't made it through sixteen.

 

/

 

 

 

the next day is a mess. mina is barely functioning because her eyes hurt from all the crying, and sana won't stop bugging her about it. they do their five minute talking thing where everyone shares what's on their minds, and mina skillfully deflects questions about her well-being.

 

it's easy, after perfecting the art of staying on the down low. she puts up the usual walls, and schools her face into the expression she's most familiar with: borderlining boredom, but also appearing interested enough to show respect for the other girls, because she loves them and doesn't want to hurt their feelings. nayeon's concerned gaze burns into her shoulder, sana's too - and mina musters enough courage to declare an early night once jihyo wraps it up. sana she can deal with, but nayeon is a headache mina can already feel building up.

 

"you okay?" nayeon's voice is the jackhammer to her iron walls, and mina clenches her jaw. takes a deep breath, before rolling over to face the intruder. who looks really, really ugly from this angle because nayeon's standing over her, protruding double chin and all. in her baby-faced glory. her hands are on her hips, and on any other day mina would have teased her about it - but not today.  

 

"yeah," mina mumbles, hugging her stuffed bear a little closer to her chest. "just tired." she hates how the light makes nayeon look younger. but when nayeon sits down at the side of the bed, mina stamps down the urge to hug the other girl because she's supposed to be mad. or standoffish. 

 

there are a thousand questions at the tip of her tongue that she wants to ask nayeon. like why she cried yesterday. if she was okay, after drinking with jihyo. if she's had a hangover. but it's not her place to ask, because she's not nayeon's go to person, and will never be. overstepping boundaries will only cause trouble, and it's the last thing she needs right now.

 

"hey." there is a hand on her shoulder. nayeon is looking at her like she's made of glass. something ripples through her face, and mina hates it. "we agreed on no secrets, right?"

 

she snorts. watches as nayeon scoots closer. "what are you not telling me?" her voice drops to something softer, and it holds mina's heartstrings hostage. again. she can't think straight. the anger melts away.

 

"i'm your buddy, mina." nayeon whispers. "i care about you - "

 

something snaps inside without warning, and all mina can see is red. 

 

"enough with the hypocrisy, nayeon." the anger spikes. enough residual bits to build a whole new case. mina pushes herself up. there is only one way out. 

 

"who's the one with more secrets? i'm not asking about you slipping away at night with jihyo, am i?" mina raises her voice. there it is. overstepping - the one thing she didn't want to do. it's a challenge, and she's sick and tired of keeping things to herself. 

 

but her heart is still soft, because she regrets the words the instant they leave her mouth. feels it brewing at the pit of her stomach, as she watches the hurt flash across nayeon's eyes. 

 

then it's gone, and mina blinks. disbelieving, because nayeon's eyes harden into something dangerous and it takes everything in mina not to cower. it's terrifying, and intense: so much emotion in a pair of eyes threatening to overflow, and drown mina in it. but just before it amounts to anything, nayeon blinks - and it's over. her eyes are empty voids of obsidian that do not exist.

"okay." nayeon nods coldly. "forget i asked." she stands up. mina wants to apologise. hates her self-control just a little bit more, but her mouth doesn't cooperate and her hands get clammy and nothing worksbecause nayeon is leaving the room.  _because_ of her. 

by the time she snaps out of it, nayeon is long gone, and mina resigns herself to the fact that she's never going to let go.

/

 

it's not really a cold war, when you sleep next to each other. it's more like a business relationship. roommates, but without the friendship part. a mutual agreement to not prod into each other's personal life, and mina is surprisingly numb to it all. sana catches on quickly only because she's sana, and truth be told mina doesn't think any of the other girls noticed. it's not like she expects them to because their schedule is crazy, and how do you keep track of other people when you can't even keep track of yourself?

 

then shit happens, in the form of a photo of her and bam bam. what the fuck. 

 

she finds out first, because she's always on her phone. there's an article already on naver, and shit, what in the world is happening? 

 

_pick up your fucking phone!!!_ is sent to bam bam in a rush, because he never picks up, and mina wonders why he bothers carrying around a phone in the first place. she's about to go crazy in that head of hers because the worst thing that can happen to an idol is a scandal. a dating one, especially. it's what jyp drilled into their heads right before debut, and as female idols the repercussions are about a hundred times worse - because of the slut-shaming. to put it simply, it either makes or breaks your entire career, and judging by the comments on that article, mina doesn't think it's going to be a popularity boost. 

 

netizens are on a whole new level of stupid. it's a conclusion mina reached after a year of reading hate comments, but she thinks it's only now that she realises exactly how dumb they are. it's a photo of them during their trainee days, and how does that imply that they were dating? ridiculous. and people are actually buying the whole story about how they look intimate. they're friends, of course they look comfortable in the photo - if not why bother taking a photo in the first place? 

 

then her phone rings, and it's tendo manager. says he's going to pick her up in ten, to meet some higher ups at the company. fuck. quite possibly marking the end of her career, because mina knows she's a liability now. twice is barely two years old, and one scandal might just cost them their spot in the industry. she hates how this is technically her fault, but at the same time it isn't, because no one knows where that photo came from. there is dust in her eyes she can't seem to get rid of. they're pricking all of a sudden and mina wants to think that it has nothing to do with how her life might be over.

 

"minari!" sana bursts through the door with her usual level of excitement. jumps up and down, and smiles at her like she always does - and really, that's all it takes to start the waterworks. 

 

she's sobbing in seconds, and it's embarrassing. grips sana's sweatshirt like a lifeline, when sana runs over to hug her. even in mid-cry mina sees the unspoken questions in the other girl's eyes. the words don't make it out of her throat, so mina fumbles for her phone. shows sana the articles. tries to slow down her breathing, because she is not going to have another panic attack. 

 

sana curses. loud and clear, in the kansai-ben they've all sworn to stop using, because standard japanese is a broadcast etiquette they have to get used to. it gets the attention of the other girls, apparently, when mina wipes away a few stray tears and nayeon is suddenly at the door and -

 

"mina?" her footsteps chip away at mina's numbing resolve. "are you - is she okay?" nayeon turns to sana, because mina can't bring herself to face nayeon's superficial concern. no personal questions, but 'are you okay' is the most generic of them all, and it's the dumbest question to ask someone who is openly bawling her eyes out. 

 

"is everything - "

 

"leave, nayeon." sana cuts in. "she'll be fine." mina burrows a little more into her shoulder, effectively blocking her view of the both of them. sana's perfume puts the temporary brakes on her overthinking, and mina reworks her thought process on something strawberry related.

 

"but - "

"i said,  _leave_." 

she feels sana's arms tighten around her. protective. territorial, even, and it's so unlike sana. but mina's all for it if it gets nayeon out of their room. she'd mostly prefer crying alone, because it's ugly and gross and she'd rather not put anyone through the misery of wiping away her snot, but with sana it's a respite. at least it's not with nayeon, like all those years ago. who knows what might happen.

so when mina hears nayeon leave, she thinks she loses a piece of herself. again.

/ 

 

 

winter is mina's favourite season.

 

for one, she gets to layer her clothes. more choices. coats, mittens, uggs - it's comfy and warm and soft. the feeling of being bundled up in layers is something she will always love. especially now, living away from her family - it reminds her of the hugs her father used to give her every morning. wrapped up in love and shielded from the world.

 

then there's snow. pure white snow gracing mother earth. cleansing it of whatever filth the three other seasons brought about. snowflakes touching the tip of her nose, settling on her open palm, bringing inexplicable joy sent from heaven. snowball fights with her brother that ended with her buried ankle deep, and laughing so much her stomach ached. 

 

so when it starts snowing right before their mini fan meeting, mina yells. shakes momo awake because  _it's snowing!!!_ and everyone in the car looks out of the window. the first snow is beautiful. a soft, gentle reminder to everyone that it's officially winter, and mina can't stop smiling.

 

it's even more beautiful outside, in the cold wind of the winter. korea's winters are much harsher than that of japan's, and she doesn't think she's used to it, after almost two years in. the snow flakes settle softly on her open palms. on the top of her head. it makes her forget all the weight on her shoulders, because she has a job doing what she loves, and she gets to meet fans who are so dedicated to them - it is heartwarming in every single way, and that's what winter is all about, she thinks. being warm inside to fight the cold outside. the cold outside giving the warmth inside more value. 

 

and then there's the eight other girls that are with her, in this arduous journey of theirs. everyone's hyped at being able to spend the first snow with their fans - jihyo makes sure to emphasize this, as their leader - and they all cheer. one of the managers start handing out umbrellas to them because the snowfall gets a little harsher, and mina's legs are starting to freeze because there's only so much her long padding can do. 

 

umbrellas and snow. that's something her half-frozen brain takes in. then proceeds to unearth this particular fantasy of hers - mina and her lover, maybe. standing under the first snow, under an umbrella. 

 

sharing an umbrella holds meaning, as traditional as it sounds. a symbol of romance. intimate. like how the other person you're under the umbrella with is willing to shelter you through the ups and downs of life. you can't just share it with anyone, period. her naive ass ate it all up when reading about it in romantic novels. young mina was a romantic, but the mina now doesn't really care for romance because it might not even exist. 

 

sana and momo have shared umbrellas. mina's watched countless times, as they squabble and fight and find their way back into each other's arms at the end of the day. it's strange to watch because it's as cliche as it looks, the best friends to lovers troupe everyone wishes to have. but it is also fascinating, because she knows them personally. 

 

so when she ends up under the umbrella nayeon is holding, mina allows her mind to wander. it's cold and the proximity is warming, and when nayeon smiles at her mina thinks the winter becomes a little less cold. because if there is someone who loves the snow more than mina, it's nayeon. 

 

they've talked about the first snow. in korea, if you're with someone and the first snow falls, it's something like destiny. fate. the gods giving you a sign that it's true love. mina isn't superstitious, but nayeon is looking at her with all the colours in her eyes it makes her lightheaded. the umbrella gives enough cover for mina to  _really_ look at nayeon, and for the first time in a long while, mina feels the blood rush to her ears. because nayeon is, and has always been beautiful, but never like this - in the first snow, under an umbrella, smiling all cotton and velvet only for mina. 

 

something sizzles, electric and sharp. it ties them together. mina gives in, because it's been a long time since they've been this close to each other. ever since the overstepping, they've mastered the art of the whole being there but not really there thing, such that it isn't actually obvious to anyone else but themselves. navigating around the grey, or whatever this is. but it's nice, to know that nayeon feels it too. 

 

maybe they're not hopeless after all. 

 

 

 

/

 

 

 

"nayeon doesn't hold umbrellas for anyone." jihyo says, when they're alone in their room that night.

 

mina looks up from her phone. jihyo is sprawled out on the floor in a heap of questionable laundry, staring at her like mina's a two year old who can't differentiate left from right. 

 

"she doesn't even bother getting one for herself," the other girl continues. "i've watched her walk home with a cardboard box over her head." then rolls her eyes to make a point, and mina laughs. it's something she wouldn't put past nayeon, and the visual itself is enough to send her into a laughing fit. 

 

but jihyo is still looking weirdly serious, and mina picks up on it. jihyo is strategic, and also cryptic at times, and there has got to be something more. there always is. the big picture, or something. for the greater good. 

 

"why're you telling me this?" she asks. makes sure not to sound accusatory, or oddly suspicious. 

 

but before jihyo can say anything, nayeon enters the room with her shocking visuals. it's kindly pointed out by jihyo in the form of boisterous laughter: face-mask and glasses, and her hair wrapped in that stupid ugly green towel mina has grown to hate because it really, really just looks like algae. it's disgusting, and even jihyo agrees. the teasing begins, and mina joins in. falls back on the camaraderie they've built over the years. because they are family first, before anything else. 

 

the moment is forgotten.

 

 

 

/

 

 

 

the birthday kiss tradition is her favourite. momo is the first one this year only because they're sharing the same room in chile, and a small part of mina swells at the affection she receives. momo is always unassuming, watching, a little like her when it's just the two of them, and they have such great chemistry when they dance. so when momo kisses her cheek just before they get dragged into rehearsals, mina finds the strength to go through the day. 

 

she doesn't remember the rest. when you're a celebrity, you give up rights to having a private life most of the time. holidays aren't really holidays and birthdays aren't really birthdays because you lose track of the dates, so mina forgets about it all - until the ask in a box filming, when a fan asked about it. 

 

"mina-ssi, what did you do on your birthday? did the members kiss you?" tzuyu reads off the paper in her hand. the red dot of the camera reminds mina to smile, and so she starts telling the story. the members laugh, giving appropriate reactions when needed, and everything goes according to the script until nayeon interjects with a  _wait, i don't think i've done it yet_ and mina's train of thought shatters ungracefully. 

 

"uh - " she starts, but nayeon is suddenly all up in her personal space, with that cute overall and her long black hair that makes her skin glow, and mina.exe starts to glitch. a kiss on the forehead, maybe. or cheek, because she knows nayeon's insatiable need to smother other people in her love. something the cameras will eat up either way, and get them lots of views. 

 

nayeon moves closer. there is a glimmer in her eye that makes mina's gut clench. and when nayeon's close enough so her hair curtains over mina's shoulders, mina feels the briefest touch of lips on her own. there are no fireworks, no rainbows, but her heartbeat echos in her ears and mina's pretty sure she just let out some sort of undignified noise she hopes wasn't caught by the mic on her blouse. 

 

the red light is still blinking when nayeon returns to her seat. it's enough to remind her that they're still on a broadcast, so she keeps it real - fanning her face with both hands. variety hack number one, as pd-nim himself had very kindly taught them. straddling the line of keeping it real and pretending, and through the monitor mina sees the smug smile etched on the older girl's face.

 

her lips are burning. nayeon is unpredictable, and mina definitely did not see this coming. the other girls squeal. they're asking if nayeon really kissed her on the lips because it's believable, given nayeon's tendency to go off the rails every now and then. mina only smiles - it feels like a secret again. something she should keep all the way down in the recesses of her chest. sealed in a vault, so that no one is allowed to take it away, let alone know about it - other than nayeon herself. 

 

and like the tease she is, nayeon refuses to answer. looks into the camera and tells everyone it's up to their imagination -and then it hits mina that it's just for show. that nayeon may have kissed her on the lips, in front of so many cameras, just for the broadcast. like a joke. the realisation makes her dizzy and her stomach queasy, but then mina remembers that her life is already a joke. pining for someone that will never love her back, because she's too much of a coward to shut down her own feelings - pathetic. 

 

but when nayeon gives her a passing smile on the way out, mina's heart does a double flip of sorts and she can only sigh. because this is the girl that has somehow, managed to write her name on every inch of mina's skin. and maybe mina's tired of trying to scrub it all away.

 

 

 

/

 

 

 

they're in japan again, and mina thinks she breathes easier on home ground. it's why their previous japan tour was much less of a burden than the international ones, because the success and joy she gets from performing in front of her fellow citizens is way, way more groundbreaking than anything else. seeing her family, friends, people she had to painfully leave behind, in the audience cheering - she's proud of herself. more than anything.

 

she's also noticed how momo and sana are always around her whenever they're in japan. mina secretly likes it when they converse in their mother tongue. conversations become private, and she feels a little less homesick, because it isn't like they get to see their families often despite being in the same country.

 

preparations for their first japanese full album are in place. they're filming a video for their japanese fans today, for the official fanclub. something about writing letters to each other, and given mina's unlucky streak she draws nayeon's name. it's anonymous, of course, but enough time has passed and she wants to think she's gotten more professional, as a fellow twice member. putting the team first, before anything. 

 

they gather around a table and start writing. it's silent. draws out the over-thinker in mina, and it begins. her pen moves, thoughts and unspoken words all coming out in an organised letter packed with emotions and things she will never tell nayeon. decorating the surface of what she made up her mind to bury, but mina's been in this industry long enough to know that whatever is done on broadcasts can't be taken seriously. so she writes the entire thing in japanese. 

 

because sana and momo already know. and so might the fans, after reading it. but even if nayeon reads the translated version (she doubts it) mina knows she'll never take it seriously. getting into bed with the devil has taught her that the only ounce of self-defense she is capable of is to detach herself from everything, even if her heart turns into mush every time anything nayeon related comes up. because the devil takes. sucks out the logic and wires the feelings into every cell of her body - that myoui mina is in love with im nayeon. 

 

so when nayeon grabs her paper and pretends to understand it, mina laughs the loudest of them all. ignores sana's wistful look when she glances at the paper briefly as it's passed around, because this is fate. that she can only scream into the stars of the night sky, and hope that the echo of her words will be written somewhere, elsewhere - hidden in the clouds for someone else to find.

 

filming ends quickly because they have a flight to catch, and before mina can shake herself out of it they're already at the airport. mina watches nayeon tangle her fingers in jihyo's as they walk to the departure gate. she's made peace with it - the hand she'll never get to hold. properly. because she sees it every now and then, and these are girls that she can never be jealous of. people she's grown to love. after being forced to be together. blood of the covenant is thicker than water of the womb, or matters of the heart - because love is an infinite enigma that she'll probably never understand. 

 

then sana bumps her shoulder lightly and makes a funny face, and mina is torn between rolling her eyes and making one back. but she finds momo's hand in hers, and smiles. 

 

maybe she'll finally stop picking at her old scab.

 

 

 

/

 

 

 

"i still don't get it," jihyo shakes her head. "why can't you tell her?"

 

the coffee is getting cold. nayeon takes a sip. thinks about how to word her sentence properly. she's got a window seat this time, courtesy of jihyo, and now she regrets swapping - it gives no room for escape. 

 

"look at her," nayeon nods her head to the left. jihyo doesn't need to look to know what she's talking about. or who. "she's everything that's good in the world. i'm not going to ruin that, jihyo. i can't." 

 

jihyo sighs. crosses her arms, because she's sick of nayeon's bullshit. "have you thought about the fact that you might be ruining her either way?" 

 

nayeon stares. it's her  _stop the bullshit_ face, and jihyo isn't fazed. because her friends are in so much pain, and she hates how she can't do anything about it. but she isn't jihyo if she doesn't give it another try. one last time.

 

"have you seen her eyes?" nayeon says instead. "they're bright. innocent. everything i don't have." she sighs. "she dreams of the world, jihyo. i can't give her that." adjusts her blanket, and eyemask. "now if you'll excuse me, i have to catch up on my beauty sleep." 

 

jihyo chews on her bottom lip. looks over to mina, who's laughing at something sana said, and sighs. 

**Author's Note:**

> @xylomyloo on twitter for prompts / au donations yeeeeeee


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